It Was Just What I Expected
This is a transcript of a telephone call I had with Saddam Hussein in early 2003.
Saddam: Is this Handy Hank?
Handy Hank: Sure is, how can I help you Mr Hussein?
Saddam: Well a lot of people have been telling you that you need to do some major work on my car but really it is fine. I am the boss of my car and it drives fine.
Handy Hank: Bullshit Saddam, I don’t like the noises your car is making and neither do my partners here in the land of the free the USA. I think I need to make a few adjustments to your car.
Saddam: No, no. It is fine, it is still on warranty. If there is a problem with it I will deal with it in my own way. I might make a mess of it but it will be done.
Handy Hank: Nah, I’m coming to fix it. I’ll be there Monday.
Saddam: Every Arab for himself!
I arrive bright and early on Monday morning with a couple of British colleagues and a few faggot Spaniards and Italians (wop bastards). I inspect Mr Hussein’s vehicle.
Handy Hank: Shit Saddam, this is worse than I thought, I’m gonna have to take the whole engine out!
Saddam: Leave you to it… I’m off to find a nice secluded hideout in case it blows.
Handy Hank: There must be a few parts missing, I’ll need to have a look for them because they can be real dangerous in the wrong hands.
I had to remove the engine, but then I found a whole lot of other faults with it. I figured it might take longer than expected so I thought I better call Mr Hussein.
Handy Hank: Hello, Mr Hussein?
Saddam: What you want now?
Handy Hank: This whole job is gonna take longer than expected. Could be 10, 11, 12 years before I’m done. Oh yeah, and it’s gonna cost more than I estimated. I already ran up charges of 1 trillion dollars and I ain’t sure how much more it’s gonna cost ya. Could be in for the long haul!
Saddam: Take as long as you want, I’m just sitting here in my greasy underwear with nothing else to do.
Handy Hank: What about the price?
Saddam: I got a few barrels of oil in the back seat, sell those to pay for it.
Handy Hank: Hey, I got a few friends who could use that oil back home. Thanks Mr Hussein!
I’m still working on the job now and a few of my colleagues are feeling the strain. But I told em’… there’s plenty of broken down automobiles in this part of the world and my tools are just itching to come out of the toolbox.
Handy Hank